Kissed by the Flames of Transformation
How to Talk To People Going Through Crisis + Change
Wendy brought the tequila, and Alicia passed around the new party drug of 2025, Rescue Remedy. We had a one conversation dinner, and listened as each person shared about their experience of evacuation, and what is happening for them now.
Tori finished her share with, “I feel in shock, frozen, confused and sad. I also feel dismayed and disoriented. I am at home, though I no longer know what that means. Even though the structure is standing, nothing really feels right to me and going back to what I was doing before makes no sense to me.”
It was a mike drop moment as she put words to our new shared reality.
I’ve never experienced going through a collective crisis before. I’ve experienced personal crisis brought on by the death of a loved one or a health crisis— when your reality gets jettisoned out of the collective reality, and there is a very real separation of experience.
The best I can explain the experience of living through a collective crisis is that it feels like being in a bubble. The threads of what we were once connected to have been severed, and now we are in this bubble floating through space, disconnected from what was, and sharing this new unfolding reality together. The air we breathe, metaphorically and literally, is different than the rest of the world. And this vulnerable sense of floating, this deep knowing how your sense of reality can be popped, is very real. There is a resonance we are in, even if we are handing things differently. This coming face to face with: I have no words for it yet.
The linear chug chug chug of doing, accomplishment, success, —- is a story from the past. It’s been replaced with this new mysterious reality.
Personally, I have found speaking with people outside of the situation often jarring when they pump me for information, talk as if everything is normal, or act like the LA fires they are watching on TV is another form of entertainment — vs people who call and create space to listen.
I once heard Stephen Jenkinson give advise on how to talk to someone who is dying. He suggested to ask this very simple question:
Now I understand this inquiry so much more— as not pretending we live in the same reality anymore.
Between the words of this question, I now hear, “I love you. Please share your new reality with me so I might understand the world you are now living in.”
I was at the airport desk, flying back to LA, and the woman checking me in had obviously lived through a fire, her skin was smooth and polished by the scars. I had this strange thought, what a thing it is that we can see her scars, we can see she knows the transformational power of fire.
I wanted to create this post— by way of explaining to others— that the people you know who have been impacted by a crisis (such as the Maui fires, or the North Carolina storms, or…or…) while they may look the same on the outside: they are in the midst of a massively transformational event.
The cup of consciousness is overflowing: with:
1) Conflicted feelings: I should be happy and grateful if my house is still standing, and yet I am contending with this unexplainable mountain of grief that makes no sense because something I can’t put words to has been destroyed.
2) Floods of facts and information about about how to navigate pollution and repair
3) Impossible questions: is this a safe place to live now?
4) Jammed brain circuits from PTSD
5) The massive amount of needs of people around them
6) A new reality where you are now surrounded by a lot of people in PTSD
7) I’m not even attempting to speak for the 1,000’s of people who just lost all of their materials belongings.
8) The fires have not stopped. We are still in it.
If there is one thing I’ve noticed, every person I have come into contact with feels like a running faucet, this very full cup of consciousness is overflowing as people are processing and making sense of this changing reality.
7 Considerations for How to Speak to Someone in Crisis
Embrace Change
If you have a loved one going through a major crisis, such as a fire, hurricane, flood, cancer, divorce—you are no longer looking at the same person you knew before. You are now witnessing a person who is going through a transformational process right before both of your eyes. And it’s weird. But it’s happening. Their soul is stirring.
So slow down. Be kind to the mind that may not be able to think straight, make decisions, or answer questions. They will be different on the other side of this life event.
1) The Gift of Presence
If you are someone who has learned to bond through trauma, this is an invitation to create a new pattern for connection. You don’t need to connect through misery.
Of course, you are affected by the fires (you are reading this, after all). But your amplification of fear, anxiety, or upset isn’t helpful to someone who is in a traumatized state.
2) The Person Standing Before You Could be Disregulated
Even if they look and act normal, they are in some stage of shock that unfolds differently for everyone. Consider the nervous system of the person you are speaking with. Making the smallest decisions may be hard. If you are meeting them in person, you can offer incredible support by bringing them to a quiet and peaceful place, taking them on a walk, or meeting them somewhere their nervous system can regulate.
3) Offer Specific Ways You Can Help
While kind, asking people if they need anything can give someone you love one more thing to do. Ask concrete questions:
Would you like companionship?
A trip to the movies?
Help finding a place to stay?
Help making a decision? (If you know someone who just lost everything, stepping up to be their person to help them navigate the amount of paper work could be the most generous a gift someone can offer, and can be done from afar).
4) Use Google for Information.
Ask your friends for their stories
One of the most useful and generous things you can do from afar, is listen to your people’s stories. Don’t pump them for information. Don’t ask them if their house burned down or how many of their friends lost their houses. Allow them to share with you what is unfolding in their experience. If you give them the space to share, you will receive so much more than you would have thought to ask about. Listening and witnessing is a gift, and provides your person a way to reflect and make sense of what is happening.
5) Don’t Spread Conspiracy Theories
The brain is designed to make sense of what is happening, and uses story to navigate crisis. That is it’s job. It is one of the reasons why conspiracy theories are so popular in crisis as people are trying to make meaning in something they don’t understand.
And to that point, your conspiracy theory doesn’t matter when someone is trying to figure out which way is up. Here’s what matters: Is everyone safe? Do you have shelter? Do you have food? Do you have enough funds to get through if you are unable to work?
6) Check your language: Don’t compare a natural disaster to a war zone.
A war zone is created because a group of people agreed to organize their resources to create intentional harm to others.
Natural disasters are that: natural. Fire’s destruction cycle is a part of the essence and nature of our planet. We all have the energy of fire within in that can burn and destroy when out of control or goes untended. Your language influences how people see themselves.
On a personal note, I am repelled by the term “survivor,” as it forever casts someone in the role of victim. Even if we are without services, roads, clean water and air, while this experience may be shared with people in war zones, we are not in one. This context matters.
7) If You Are an Empath: Consider the need for energetic boundaries
If you are empathic, seeing other people go through challenges and strife may be particularly difficult. If you are energetically sensitive, you may be feeling more than others around you. Some empaths may actually feel what is happening for others, even if they didn’t go through the experience. And yet, please do not try to help by carrying the pain and suffering of others. Do not think feeling their pain with them helps move, heal, or transform the energy. It creates an energy where your emotions are now needed to be taken care of by someone who is already very full.
And for those who need the science on how powerful your listening can be for someone, this section is for you.
We are hardwired to think in stories because they are the most effective way for the brain to make sense of life’s complexities. As a result, storytelling is not just an art—it’s a vital human function for reflection and meaning making.
When listening, you provide a way for:
Default Mode Network (DMN): This network in the brain is active during introspection and storytelling. It connects memories, thoughts, and emotions into coherent narratives. By listening, you help the person process and anchor in their new reality.
Oxytocin and Connection: Stories that emphasize human connection and triggers oxytocin release, enhancing trust and emotional bonding. By listening, you provide access to joy, and pleasure.
Trauma Processing: Telling stories about traumatic events helps the brain reframe and contextualize the experience, reducing its emotional charge.
Hope and Resilience: Stories can create a sense of meaning and purpose, helping individuals reveal new inner strengths that are emerging through this experience.
What do you find is helpful or needed when speaking to people in crisis or in the midts of a massive transformation?
Thank you so much for this post and all the rest of your heartfelt posts. Your words have been eye opening, comforting, powerful and educational. I am turning others onto them, in my community.
I am an empath and I usually choose the road of going into the emotional trenches with someone who has gone through trauma. It's hard to stay grounded and present in my own body, as it is a very natural and sometimes unconscious thing that happens. You made me understand how this is so important to receive in this post and we aren't doing a service to someone who is trying to make sense of their new reality by joining them.
Be a grounded source of presence and listen to their stories. We are not in the same boat and we could not understand every perspective, even if we have been through fires or floods before. So much gratitude Leah!
Thanks for writing and posting this. It goes beyond the images and sadness we feel seeing these things from afar.
I've had many traumas, but have never lost as have the people who have experienced the fires or the floods. I wonder how you felt for the flood victims before this experience? I think we don't know until we do. Perhaps, we can imagine. My own traumas include the sudden death of my mother when I was ten; losing the love of my life to a heart attack right infront of me - nothing I did could save him. The birth of my very special needs grandaughter who now lives with 1/2 of her brain. So many of your reactions feel similar. Life explodes in ways we can't imagine.
To answer your query, from my experience, it's not talking, but listening. Then the answer is: if you want to talk, I am listening. If you don't that's fine too, and in my head I remember to be considerate in what I say (if anything) about my intact life.
I know that people don't know until they have an experience. Yours is observed by the collective. It's different, and yet all trauma leaves a life-long shadow. To listen without expectation or judgement is the greatest gift we can give eachother. If we do, we may see how we can help after that.