On Hope & Miracles

I realized to Hope was to risk losing it all, Life & Hope.

This is a story I couldn’t make up if I tired.

Long story short, my cat Jaxon was poisoned by a rat, and then life threatening anemia brought on by liver cancer was revealed. After every measure was taken to safe his life, 3 veterinarians sent him home, saying he was done for.

Turns out releasing is a muscle

that must be stretched and worked out on the regular.

I would let go, then go back to clinging to possibility, let go, then cling even harder. Then, I let go as his body laid limply in my lap.

Trying to cheer myself up, I got flowers for the house.

Realizing that Jaxon hadn’t been in the nature he loved for awhile, on a whim, I put a flower next to his food. I know, it’s weird, putting a rose in a vase next to my cat’s food.

But that conscious act of bringing nature and beauty into his life during tough times turned a light on.

“Lamb, (the name I use when I scold myself). You’re producing a documentary about people who the western medical system gives up on for dead, and then as a last ditch effort turn to nature to heal, and you can’t see the forest through the trees because you surrendered to wanting someone else tell you what to do.”

I called my dad, who is veterinarian, every day, 4 times a day, asking for reassurance that there was really nothing left to do. He said, "You never know. A miracle could happen. Your love is the strongest medicine there is." And then he prepared me, once again, to let Jaxon go.

And that is when I moved my office to our backyard forest, and took Jaxon out to lay on the earth every day, since earthing helps with inflammation, and the forests have a million healing effects.

When we first started doing this Jaxon’s body lay limply against my own as I carried him into our backyard forest. He could barely move.

Hope did not in this part of town. I was just doing….something… rather than doing nothing as I witnessed his suffering.

Monday night Jaxon’s heart was beating so hard and he was in such suffering that I called a vet to come to my home and assist his crossing.

When I woke Tuesday morning, I looked into his eyes, and asked,
“Are you ready?” And he looked into mine and said. “Nope.”

But I figured the veterinarian should come and evaluate him anyway. Give him some end of life pain relief if we were close. She told me to dig a hole.

Unbeknownst to me, there was construction on the road, and the vet came 300 feet from my house, and then turned around, saying she would never come this way again. I called 20 traveling vets to get someone to come help with end of life care, but no one could come. I ended up speaking to an amazing vet tech who looked at his case, and once again told me based on his blood results this was a hopeless case.

In the meantime, I had called Eryn to check on his life force, because I didn’t want to put him down until he had decided he was ready. And … I was second guessing my ability to hear clearly what he was saying. (I liked his nope response too much). Eryn said his life force was strong, and that he was still receiving energy, and helped clean up the energy in his liver.

Again, the lights went on.
The doctors had given up hope on him.
And I was afraid of the cost of hope.

It was easier to just listen to what they said and not fight back or try other things. I’ll do every every oovy groovy alternative healing modality for my body— why not his? And so I started to pray with him. I gave him a Soul Story. I called on his angels. I gave him hands on healing. I beamed him images of healthy red blood cells. Eryn kept scanning and helping move stagnant energy through his system. I researched alternative methods of healing for cats. A rabbit hole of information revealed and I jumped in.

Then a couple of mornings later I woke up, and Jaxon wasn’t on my bed. He had taken himself on a walk about. When he returned, he was purring loudly and scarfed down 3 breakfasts.

Every day Eryn has been scanning his body and helping his energy clear. And every day Jaxon got more and more spunky and opinionated.

He hasn’t fully recovered. He’s still weak, but now he’s got attitude. He won’t let me pick up and carry him around (aka the old Jaxon is back because he’ll do what he wants when he wants)

He’s taking adventures outside of the house, drinking from the outdoor fountain, and today, I found him laying in the most random of places in our courtyard, one of the few open plots of dirt among the bricks. Possibly earthing himself?

Who knows what this story is really about.
I’m too close to really know. I’m still inside of it.
All I know is every day he looked at me and said, “Nope,”
it fueled my hope.

Now, if I pick him up to take him outside, he jumps from my arms.
He’ll take all the petting and rub downs I have to offer, but if I place my hands on his body for healing, he gets up and walks away.
As if to say, “I am my own healer now.”

During these strange times on planet on Earth,
now more than ever,
I want to be able to believe in miracles.

I want to believe what seems impossible is possible.
And I know how hard it is on the heart to hope.
When someone dies, you never lose their Love. It stays with you always.

It's dangerous to Hope. Unreliable.
I live with l knowing that this hope that has been building can collapse at any moment.
And I don’t know what is worse,
to have never hoped,

or to have gone all in on welcoming Hope—
and go through the pain of losing Jaxon and Hope.

I do know this.

There are many ways to fight for life.
And the cost of giving up while there is a glimmer of a possibility costs more.

If I had put him to sleep when good reason told me I should,
I would have had to live with that deep within me, I knew I had given up on his life before he did.

So my answer is there.

To take action to help him heal,
was to go against what every doctor told me to do.

And yet every time he received the healing energy,
I had to believe that anything is possible.

Sometimes I wonder, if I interrupted the path of destiny when I asked Eryn to send healing energy to Jaxon. When I gave him my own love medicine.

I think it boils down to this… he kept receiving what we had to give.

And the thing I have always respected about Jaxon, he is not a people pleaser.
He has always lived by his own rules.

Jaxon is not out of the woods. I still tell him daily he only has to stick around if he’s going to have a happy and healthy life. I remind him he doesn’t have to live a life of suffering just to stay with me.

Jaxon says, “Ditch all those healthy organic cat foods.
Keep the Fancy Feast coming.”